Women Who Use Sex As A Weapon

Using sex as a weapon

Susan J. Elliott is a motivational speaker, grief therapist, expert commentator, attorney, popular blogger, and author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Breakup Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You.

Reader question #1: Women who use sex as a weapon
My girlfriend broke up with me about 6 months ago because she “needed to find herself.” I was shattered, heartbroken. I felt like I was going to die when she broke up with me, but I managed to pick myself up and get on with it last month.

Well, guess what?

She came back and has begun to lure me again. She leaves these erotic texts on my phone and calls me in the middle of the night to “talk.”

I still love her even though she’s playing with my head. The thing is, I haven’t had sex in ages – do you think it’s okay to sleep with her, even if she doesn’t come back to me as my girlfriend?

She has already alluded to wanting to have sex with me, but says she’s not ready for a relationship again. I love her and want to be close to her again.

Billy

Susan J. Elliott’s answer:
The reason this is so difficult is that you haven’t initiated no-contact (or NC), and are allowing a confused and cruel person to call the shots. If she’s not ready for a relationship, there is no point in your communication. You have to move on.

My first question is: Why you are allowing her to string you along? Love is an action. It’s what you do and not what you say. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

Your wants and needs are of no consequence to her. She simply doesn’t care what you want or need (her love and caring, to be in the relationship or to leave you alone). She is not taking any of your feelings into account. She simply cares about what she wants.

She doesn’t want to be with you but taunts you in a way that keeps you from moving on. She is throwing you crumbs in a way to prove to herself that she still has you there. She’s using the best weapon (sex) and not putting any thought into what she could possibly be doing to you. She is toying with you. And that’s cruel.

This is not love. This is self-centered and willful behavior that has nothing to do with you. When she has an itch, she insists that you scratch it.

Why would you want this self-centered person in your life?

You have to move on. You need to go NC and stay NC. It won’t be easy, but change your number, or ignore her phone calls and emails. You have got to break contact.

She’s only going to keep you in a holding pattern for as long as she can. You have to move away and take charge of your own healing.

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