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Reader question #2: Ex boyfriend won’t leave
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. And while I’m trying to be understanding, I feel like he’s trying to draw it out.
He purposely leaves things at my place, tries to kiss me on the mouth, and calls me all hours of the night. He’s acting as though we’re still together.
I really want it to be over, but I can’t just ex-communicate a man I spent 4 years loving. What do I do? How can I get him to understand that it’s really over? Is it possible that we just can’t be friends?
Olivia
Susan J Elliott’s answer:
Dear Olivia:
I have a chapter in the Getting Past Your Breakup book titled, “The Rules of Disengagement” and this is what you must do if you’re serious about moving on. You need to disengage, go “no contact” and let the two of you become separate.
He is not trying to be friends, he is looking for reconciliation. And he will continue to look for reconciliation as long as you allow it.
After a breakup, the work of each person is to lose the couple identity and re-establish themselves as individuals again. There is a “couple identity” that must be undone as well as certain things that defined your groove as a couple and for a while, you’re still in them, especially if (like your ex) you are having trouble letting go.
Some couples can be become friends but not when one is holding on and one is trying to let go. The only way you’re going to convince him it’s over is to stop giving him mixed messages and stop all contact with him. In the book I call this “no contact” or NC. It’s very important in the separation process.
He needs to heal and you need space to move on. Not only should you ex-communicate him, but you must. Not just for your sake, but for his sake. To keep him around is to prevent his healing as well as yours.
If you are to be friends it should be much later. There must be a cooling off / uncoupling period. You must go “no contact.”
If he’s still trying to kiss you, he’s in pain and wants things to be different. Although it might be hard, please institute the NC rule and stop trying to be friends at this stage, when he is vulnerable and hurting. You’re not being a friend to him by allowing this to go on.
Of course there are things you liked about him, otherwise you wouldn’t have been together, but it doesn’t make sense to keep him around for that when he needs to move on.
In fact, it’s selfish to do so. Are you trying to avoid your own pain? Your own grief? What’s in it for you to keep this alive when it’s not healthy to do so?
Examine your motives and do the right thing and cut it off. Now.
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It’s interesting that you question how the reader “doesn’t know this” about a man paying for the first date “period” when in fact there is significant disagreement on this issue. It’s a tough guessing game for men, as I have as many female friends who are offended when a man insists on paying (or assumes that he’ll be paying) as I do female friends who expect him to pay. A man can go badly wrong (wrong enough to ensure that there is no second date) no matter which way he goes with this one, depending on the woman’s view.
I think it’s significant that some of the women offer to pay. When I was single and dated a fair amount, I would sometimes offer (or almost insist) on paying for my meal on a first date when I felt certain that we would be only be friends, when I felt certain that I would not accept another date with him. I think I just felt like I didn’t want him to spend money on my dinner or whatever, and maybe I didn’t want to feel obligated to him. When I would offer to pay my share on a first date, I had pretty much made up my mind we would never be more than friends. So maybe that’s where some of these ladies are coming from.
When I liked a guy and felt like a relationship was possible, I felt very comfortable letting him pay for dates, and me just offering to leave the tip, etc.
I viewed first dates pretty open mindedly; I accepted most all invitations and didn’t pre-judge the guy or the situation. First dates for me were opportunities to get to know someone, have a good time doing something; and some morphed into friendships and a treasured few developed into romantic relationships.
I rarely went out a second time with a guy who seemed to have set ideas about a future relationship before we had a chance to get to know one another.