Lies single women tell themselves
Speaking as a single woman, I know that there are times when I am in full “lie to myself” mode. It’s usually when my cat ignores me or I’m eating dinner alone in a restaurant.
I lie to myself most often, though, when any friend of mine finds herself a boyfriend. And the reason I lie to myself is to keep my sanity in full force. Otherwise, facing the facts about being single will terrify me to the bone and make me hide under the covers until someone comes to get me.
So what are these lies? Well, besides the “I haven’t gained that much weight” lie that I use every time I catch myself naked in front of a mirror, here are the doozies that I, and perhaps most every woman I know, tells herself about being single.
And considering almost 80% of women giving online dating a try are single, according to Mate1.com, perhaps we can all benefit from facing the truth.
Lies single women tell themselves
1- I don’t need a man to make me happy
Sometimes I do manage to convince myself that I don’t need a man to tell me that he loves me, to make love to me, to give me someone to look forward to seeing, but sometimes, when I’ve polished off a bottle of Merlot, I have to admit, I do need a man – a good man – to make me happy.
Okay so perhaps I’m not completely miserable without a man in my life, but I have to admit that, in the grand scheme of things, I do want a yang to my yin to make me happy. Or at least, happier.
Lies single women tell themselves
2- If they can’t accept me for me…
I spent so many years complaining that I would never change for anyone because if they plan on being with me, then they have to take the package the way it is.
After some careful thought though, I quickly learned how ridiculous this sounded. I change my personality for my boss, I change my personality for my parents, hell, I even change my personality for some of my friends. So what the hell am I thinking expecting a man to take me as I am?!?
When all is said and done, I have to learn to take criticism that is designed to help me as such and not spit in the face of help when it’s offered.
Lies single women tell themselves
3- I’m perfect the way I am
Oh yeah, I love this one. This one starts when I’m halfway through my wine and I’m with my girlfriends. I start thinking that I haven’t a flaw in the world and that any man would be crazy not to want me because, well, because I’m damn perfect.
Okay so maybe I swear too much and I get overly emotional about the little things. And yeah, maybe I’m neurotic about the way the dishes need to be placed in the sink and the fact that I could stand to lose 10 pounds, but other than all that, yeah, you’re damn straight I’m perfect.
Lies single women tell themselves
4- I like being alone
There are times when I am so glad to come home to an empty house, a cat that ignores me and a microwave dinner. Really, I’m serious. But more often than not, alone becomes “lonely” and I crave the affections that only a man can give me.
I do like being alone, but to be honest (which is kind of the point of this article), I would much prefer to come home to a man who may or may not have made dinner and is waiting to kiss me and ask how my day went.
Lies single women tell themselves
5- I intimidate men
Oh the mother of al lies – I intimidate men. Yes, I am considered attractive and perhaps I am too bold and blunt for my own good, but I’m pretty sure that most guys aren’t intimidated by me.
Instead, there is something I’m pretty certain is off-putting about me and guys don’t bother approaching me because they can smell it. Perhaps it’s the reek of desperation or maybe they just don’t like my look, but either way, I think it’s safe to say that I don’t intimidate most men.
Lies single women tell themselves
6- I have it all…
There’s obviously something I probably have too much of if the guys aren’t lining up at the door. I can easily point out what these things are in my friends, but for some reason, I can’t nail it when it comes to me.
And my friends, yeah, they lie to me, too. “Oh no, girl, you have it all. You are perfect. You just <i>intimidate</I> men is all.” Mmm, hmm. Intimidate? More like “turn off”.
Yes, I do have a job, I look pretty put together, and yeah, I can crack a joke with the best of them, but there’s something I am either missing, or something I possess way too much of, that needs to be worked on.
The guys who never call back don’t tell me what it is and my friends, well, you saw the quote, right? So what I need is someone to be honest with me about what my problem is…
Single women lies
I know there are plenty of single women out there ready to hurl their heels at me for saying the things that most of us want to deny, but I’m just revealing the lies I tell myself in order to keep on going.
Truth is, I am holding out for Mr. Right; my only fear is that I won’t get myself right in time to find him because I keep lying to myself.
I think it’s time I put the bullsh*t down and stepped away from the ego, and tried to figure all this out.
If you’re tired of being single, why not give online dating a try?
(144 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
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Wow, I hate to admit it, but it’s like you crawled into my brain and figured me all out. It really does suck to be single more often than not.
Are you mentally deficient? I LOVE being single and would rather be single and sad some of the time than be in a relationship with a man who makes me miserable most of the time. You don’t speak for all of us, so let’s be clear on that.
I disagree with Joanne, I think you nailed it. More often than not, I am miserable as a single woman and would much prefer having a man in my life. But there’s something I do when it comes to guys I like that just turns them off. Help me, Vanessa, tell me the truth.
I knew it! All these single women are completely useless without a man. AND they bullsh*t to themselves that they don’t need us, when, in fact, they need us more than we need them.
You know what? Maybe you make some valid points here, but you don’t speak for all single women. I am happily single because I came out of a miserable, abusive relationship and I am embracing every moment I get to be free and alone.
You must’ve been high or drunk when you wrote this because no woman in her right mind would ever reveal any of this. So kudos to you, Vanessa.
Go screw yourself, Rick, you’re talking out of your ass here. We don’t NEED men, we WANT men. Get that straight. I’m betting you’re very single. Sounds to me like you’re going to stay that way for a verrry long time.
It’s true, I hate being single and I keep trying to convince myself that it’s not so bad by using the lies listed above. I’ve always told myself that a man should like me for me, but now I see that me needs some improvement. Thanks for that.
Rina, write me back if you want to go out sometimes. I can smell the desperation on you. Let’s get together.
Women aren’t alone here, I know so many guys who bullsh*t themselves into believing that it’s the women with the problem, when it’s pretty obvious that they’re the losers.
Vanessa, you sound like a normal, down to earth girl who can face reality, so I don’t get why you’re single? Are you built like a linebacker?
No, I am not built like a linebacker, thank you very much. But that shouldn’t even be relevant because I know many a big girl who is happily coupled.
I think it’s my personality that needs work. Thanks for writing in.
Typical situation for most of us: Whatever you don’t have is what you want. If you are stuck in a miserable relationship, you want the freedom of a single. If you suffer the lonelines of a single, you want a significant other.
Anyway, one proposal for all singles: Don’t ask: “Why don’t the girls like me” resp. “Why don’t the boys like me”. As long as you haven’t found someone special that you really like, your aura of desperation will show everybody that you don’t really like them, but you just need somebody. Nobody wants to be that “nobody special, just the first one to cross your line”.
Uh, yep. Right on all counts.
If women (or men for that matter) are going to go through life being oblivious to their reality (and lie to themselves about it), they don’t even deserve to have a partner, quite honestly.
No one’s going to fault anyone for wanting a partner — we’re social beings after all! — but learning to love yourself (while recognizing your own deficiencies and vulnerabilities and working at making yourself the best person you can be) and going about making a life that’s fulfilling is important. Sorry, Prince Charming isn’t going to come and rescue us.
The problem is that, if you’re in constant denial, you’ll never find the one you want because you’ll be too busy trying to convince yourself of your lies.
When I sit around listening to my older sister and her friends talk, this is exactly the kind of crap they’re spewing. Nice to know they’re all going to be single for the rest of their lives.
Maybe I’ll help em out and send this their way.
“If he’s not seeing you on Saturday, he’s seeing someone else—or looking for someone he WOULD want to see on Saturdays, and every other day, in perpetuity.” I pretty much agree with this, though if a man works on Saturday night, he sort of has an excuse. But yeah, if a guy only wants to see you for booty calls late at night, he’s not really interested in you as a girlfriend, and it’s time to move on, sister, if what you want is a boyfriend.
I am deeply saddened by your article, we for one are born on this planet to experience love, we learn to give and express love primarily through interactions with our family. As adults we all must learn that alone and aloneness are good for your spirit to heal, being single is healthy and gives you time to reflect on what it is that you cherish and to build up your character.
Self love is the most paramount love that there is and if you need to lie to yourself to spend time with yourself then there are more problems then the denial and dishonesty that you write about. There is a wonderful self empowerment book by, David Gershon and Gail Straub that may be useful tools for you on this journey to self acceptance and love.
There are two kinds of happiness relative and absolute. Relative comes with circumstances and fortunate situations, and is fleeting. Absolute happiness is joy that radiates from the inside out and is present regardless of your circumstances. No one can ever make you happy, happiness, joy, peace all come from within.
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Fact is that a lot of guys are intimidated by women who know who they are–or at least appear to know who they are. Guys fill themselves with bluster and false certainty and think that makes them appealing. And perhaps it does. But they tend to dislike anything similar in the women they see. The thing about finding someone is that you look for someone who has similar interests but opposing strengths and weaknesses. I’ve been married 9 years to a woman who’s my psychological opposite–I’m the empathic one, she’s the hardass–and it works.
I like to believe it gets better as you get older. Before thirty I don’t think more than maybe 30% of the population is capable of tuning into a decent relationship.
I’m a single man, so really I don’t have a dog in this fight: but isn’t it possible that there are some women who really do like living alone? Probably not as many as there are men who like to live alone (like me), but I find it difficult to believe there aren’t some women who like to live alone.
At the end of the day, it boils down to this – be yourself and be authentic and single people of the opposite sex will find you desirable. Obviously looks and presentation do count to a certain degree especially initially, but after that it is a question of rapport and chemistry.
Be self-aware, know yourself, appreciate your strengths and your weaknesses, and know that you count and your needs and wants are important.
Maybe single people just need to relax a bit more and let go of this urgency and desire to find “the one”. Maybe just see it all as a game, a game in which everyone’s a winner:-)
I find it funny to hear women say, “I would rather be single and sad some of the times than dating and miserable all of the time.” What king of miserable person do you have to be to accept that. So okay you’ve been with one jackass, does that mean he’s a reflection of all men? So you settle on being alone to avoid another jackass.
That’s like saying I’m happy walking to work because my old car had no wheels and I was miserable from having to push that old piece of junk. Well did you ever consider buying a car that works? I bet you won’t miss out walking to work anymore.
Point of the story here, you will always be happier as a single person after being in a rotten relationship, BUT you will always be happier thatn a single person when you’re in a good relationship… AND THAT’s THE TRUTH!
I WAS IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP UNTIL 17 MONTHS AGO. I HAVE DATED SOME,BUT SO FAR HAVE NOT FOUND THAT “SPARK”. MOST DAYS I DON’T MIND BEING SINGLE, DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYONE, AND I CAN EAT POPCORN FOR SUPPER IF I WANT, BUT OTHER TIMES I MISS BEING COUPLED UP ,I WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO COOK FOR,GO TO THE MOVIES WITH,GO ON A HIKE,JUST HAVE SOMEONE TO SHARE MY LIFE. WITH. HOWEVER, I AM NOT WILLING TO SETTLE FOR THE NEXT CONTESTANT JUST BECAUSE I GET LONELY. I WILL REMAIN SINGLE AND JUST DATE UNTIL I CAN FIND IN ANOTHER PERSON WHAT TRULY MATTERS TO ME. GOD MADE US TO BE SOCIAL CREATURES, OTHER WISE HE WOULD HAVE STOPPED WITH ADAM. I DON’T THINK ADMITTING I WOULD RATHER HAV A PARTNER MAKES ME WEAK, MY STRENGTH COMES WITH ADMITTING I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO REMAIN SINGLE UNTIL THE RIGHT ONE SHOWS UP
That’s great, but did you have to yell at us?!?
Being able to see yourself through the eyes of others is hard for many people to master. Most people do not even garner the possibility of it. By at least starting to ask the right questions of yourself you are on your way to developing true empathy and self-reflection. This is the right start and I guarantee you that you are on the path to learning and observing things about yourself that will help you and continually teach you as time goes on. The ability to self-reflect is a precious gift…build it and whatever it is about yourself you will learn and begin to recognize.
Ok so I have been married a VERY long time–and all of my four sons are married and my daughter is married. So I REALLY don’t have a dog in this “discussion.”
Vanessa makes some really good points and as a nurse for 33 years, I think that even science backs up her ideas. We do actually secrete hormones that attract and repel.
Even just LOOKING good starts in the brain. You know when you look in the mirror–even when you are wearing the SAME thing that you wore the other day when you knew that you looked awesome–if you think that you just “look” off–everyone else will think that you look bad too.
My point–the honest assessment is essential–and the building up of the positive parts of singleness is essential–because when you are comfortable in your own skin then the men who want to satisfy their penis and keep being single aren’t interested in you.
Here is something that I have learned is true over the years. The beautiful body is great advertisement–but intercourse is usually a deal breaker. NEVER have intercourse with any man that you think that you might like to see again. First–you will automatically be unable to see his flaws for the next few months–it has to do with hormones. Second men are by nature conquorers–if the mission is too simple they lose interest.
Will this make a difference in the long term? YES! If you don’t have intercourse–but there is still the hope of promise of it someday actually happening–then you actually get time to KNOW this person–and they to know you. There is where the glue is.
Men usually have some problems with the idea of this approach–but they will often admit that it is true. (Even my sons admit this to me–their MOM)
So young women–decide that you are worth the wait, decide that you will wait forever if necessary and watch yourself become the target of the chase.
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